A peek into the mind of Moi
Monday, January 5, 2009
rough draft of Life and Death-incomplete
When you lose someone you love, perhaps it's when you get older, things kinda seem to fall one way, that's when it hits home. There is life, then Life and Death. life : In November, feels like yesterday, Homer passed from cancer, quickly, in a matter of a couple months, almost 2 roughly. One day, he sorta turned weird, hiding under the couch far from reach... always awake pupils dilated. I of course knew something wasn't right I mean, it was Homer... I will never forget this Homer. Because it was Keaton's birthday coming up, and Jody taking the kids camping with Josh, I found myself too busy to bother? I feel horrible saying it but because I neglected him, just thinking he was just sick but knowing deep down he was ill... total denial. Finally I brought him in a week later (he did have a few days of so so in between).. That's when he got sick, had surgery, got sicker, lost SO much weight and finally couldn't survive it despite. we lost him... he was such a special kitty. Because his life ended but his Life was wonderful, we have to accept it. There is life, then Life and Death. We just lost Meme on December 31st 2008. She also died of cancer but suffered much longer. She was someone I adored. She was the only grandmother I knew. She made great beignes, the best bread (I HAVE THE RECIPE!!) she was so sweet. She always had the softest skin and loudest kisses. That's how I kiss my kids... exactly the same way. I just realized that. How great... I feel a little guilty because we left and I didn't really get a chance to know Meme these passed 10 years. My years of major growth in my opinion. I went from being a 'kid' to being an 'adult', a wife and a mother... I have had my setbacks but I have had experiences. I was busy having babies, living my Life but... all the way over here. I of course cherished the times we spoke on the phone, and the visits we tried to get in once a year, but then I am horrible at keeping in touch with people. When you are far away and don't call everyday, it's hard to put yourself "there" Then you don't feel missed..Having a family of my own, looking at the big picture, I finally, FINALLY ask myself: What do you want your Life to be ?When I look at the big picture, what I want my Life to be, it's all that I love. A great warm, comfortable house to call my own, spending time with my boys, enjoying how wonderful they all are, spending time with family, getting to know my family, opening up and experiencing with them, sharing my Life with the people who matter most. The people whom gave me life. Family. I have my family. A husband, 3 boys, 1 cat. Our "unit". Then there is my family and Jody's family. I want to get to know both and most of all, I want my kids to know both sides because we still have a big family. I don't want them to miss out. I missed out of 10+ years of my Memes life, seeing her once a year. I was fortunate to have 20 years with a grandmother two streets down. When I was sick from school, I would go to her house :). She was a great hostess. But I had that. I had my aunt Josie next door, my aunt Jennifer two streets away. An uncle Frank who was always cool (I remember some of his girlfriends) I was fortunate to have cousins here and there and all that fun. I was lucky to have family so close to me. They watched me grow up. They probably have more memories than I do! I know when my sister and brother start having kids... oh boy look out... I'M ALL OVER THAT ONE!! I do have nieces and nephews from Jody, thankfully but they are so far away, I, find myself stuck in a "well, I'm thinking of them and I mean well, I just don't have that great of a connection because we are so far away. AND, it's hard to talk to a kid or even know a kid via phone line. Even when Charlie will call me when I'm out. Honestly, it takes me a few minutes to figure out which of my boys it is! You just don't see them the real way. I do try, when we are there but they're kids, and they are kinda like... 'and you are?'... maybe not. maybe i just see it that way, that could be the insecure part of me (which is HUGE but that's a different matter, and I am totally aware of that one) The fact of the matter is, should we be Kapuskasing bound? This is where it's simple yet so complicated... to be continued...
posted by Moi at 9:25 PM
1 Comments:
That is a beautiful piece of writing!!!
Only recently has my own life that I am living become what I was created to make my Life about. Don't get me wrong, I love my Life, but it took me a long time to realize that even though I have family all over the country and world, it's the 6 people who's Life is dependent on how I live my life. Even though I don't have Kevin counted in the dependent part, the "yin and yang" of wife/husband is that life is about the Life that I make with him... :)
Keep up the blogging and DON"T edit it!!! It's great the way it is... and I get it, understand it and agree ;)
COMPLETLY OFF TOPIC:
Tanya and I have been recording some great word verifications and this one is: flybucti
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